Parenting is never easy, but parenting a troubled teen can be particularly challenging. Whether your troubled teen is dealing with drug or alcohol problems, grief, an emotional disorder or something else, trying to understand can be a powerful tool. One of the ways to try to gain an understanding of your troubled teen is to understand how their thinking is developing at this time in their life. Once you have a better understanding of how your troubled teen’s thinking is changing and developing, you will be more equipped to deal with the product of that thinking.
As your children become teenagers, they begin to think more like adults, which is both good and bad news. During the teen years, teenagers begin thinking about thinking. Teens are able to consider possibilities as well as realities. This ability lets them analyze their own thinking and refine it. It also lets them question other people and institutions, which can be more of an obstacle for troubled teens. Many adults have a hard time watching teens question wise adults and traditions, but it’s an important development in their thinking. As teens move toward becoming adults, they need to think about what they believe. If they test, challenge and explore those beliefs before they make decisions and commitments, they are more likely to have long lasting, more sensible ideas. Teens are more likely to become adults that hold the same values of their parents, and are more likely to hold those values as their own if they have tested them and thought them through.
Parents of teens, especially parents of troubled teens, have the difficult job of encouraging their teens to this kind of questioning and fostering independence while helping them remain respectful and safe. Parents should listen respectfully to the ideas of their teens. Asking questions and offering opinions is fine, but being criticizing or belittling is not helpful. Teens do better when parents monitor their activities, and wise parents keep track of the friends, hobbies and activities of their teens. When your teen announces they are going out, invite them to tell you about what they are doing, where they are going and who they will be with. There will be times when you need to tell your teen that you don’t feel good about what they are planning to do. Troubled teens will often resist, but stay calm and ask them what else they could be doing. When they still object, tell them “I can see that you really want to do that. Since you aren’t able to, what else could you do?”
Setting limits with teens is necessary. Encourage your teens to work with you to set family rules and policies and talk with them about what they think should be enforced. Teaching is better than attacking. When troubled teens act rude or say insensitive things, try to help them find the better ways of acting. Teens may act as if they don’t care, but gentle messages of compassion have an impact. Be involved in positive ways with your teens. Just doing things with your teens can strengthen that relationship. Find out some of the things your teen is excited about and how you can support the healthy ones. Look for the times your teen is making good decisions and commend them.
